1. Roberto Alomar, second base - "Heads up, dude! Major Goober at 3 O'Clock!"

2. Gary Sheffield, right field - Ok, so he won't be happy I've inserted him in right. Then again, when is Gary EVER happy.

3. Barry Bonds, left field - To Roy Firestone, "I can be an ass." Hey, he said it, not us.

4. Carl Everett, center field - "Mr. Everett, the doctor will see you now. Um...please leave the bat in the lobby, sir."

5. Frank Thomas, first base - He'll probably demand I pay him more for putting him at first, but hey - he reported to camp so what more can I ask for, right?

6. Juan Gonzalez, designated hitter - We don't want Juan to break a fingernail, so he shouldn't get hurt in this capacity. We think.

7. Jim Leyritz, catcher - Jimmy Boy had a few nasty things to say about the Padres when he exited San Diego a few years ago. Hmmm...could he just be a little insecure that he's not in the majors right now?

8. Charlie Hayes, third base - "Hey, Charlie! What pitcher are you going to try to beat the snot out of this year for no apparent reason?"

9. Shawn Dunston, shortstop - Shawn loves talking to the media when his team is in first place. Really!

"And warming up in the bullpen, the starting pitcher, The Rocket, uh, Woodchucker, Roger Clemens!"

With Roger in the bullpen, the always warm, friendly, unselfish and mentally-stable Jon Rocker, Kevin Brown and Hideki Urabu!

And warming the bench, the equally warm, friendly, unselfish and mentally-stabled Bobby Bonilla, Rickey Henderson, and Carlos Beltran!